Posts Tagged ‘ex’

Hips Don’t Lie

It’s Sunday night.

Yin yoga night.

Always a reflective night.

As we were working on another deep yoga stretch our instructor said the following and it really hit home.

“The tension you keep in your shoulders and neck…that is like your short term memory.

The hips are your long term memory. You might even feel a release of something you might even know you were holding on too.”

As she was saying this I was in the deepest “square” pose I have ever done. Deep. Head almost to the floor.

I was surprised how open I was.

Her comment made reflect on 2 things.

1) Today’s practice in general I was so much more open…I totally relate that to the wonderful relaxing weekend with the family. Nothing on the agenda. No stresses. Lots of sunshine and fresh air. My body felt that completely.

2) The long-term memory. Those years of crap. It is going away. It is losing it’s place in my life, in my body, in my hips. Those hips are getting more open each week…making room for a lot more goodness!

Hips Don’t lie. They don’t know how to.

And getting a babysitter for yoga night out is probably the best thing we have even decided to do. We find time to talk. We find time to eat. We find time to have fun. This gives us time to be good to ourselves. This gives us time to relax. We are in our own practice, but we are together. When we are finished we feed our bellies and have some mindless chat….then go home and tuck our sweet little lovebug in bed. Really can’t think of a better reason to get a babysitter or a better way to start off the week.

Letting go

One of my all-time favorite yoga classes is the Sunday night yen class.

Yen is a restorative yoga class.

1 hour of deep deep stretching. Where you hold poses for 5-8min. Most of it focused on the lower back and hips.

Now in all my training for the half (6 days away) I have fallen short with yoga. Which is totally wrong since I could use the stretching more now then ever, but after finding time for all the running was hard to fit in 2-3 more hours of yoga too.

Last night I went and OH Boy. I am more sore today then I have been after most of my running. Every part of my body was wound as tight as possible…today it is a little more open. I have resolved to start making this Sunday night a ritual.

The theme of last night’s practice was letting go.

Learning to let go. How to make space in yourself to let in the good things that are ahead. Making space for new habits, new resolutions.

So true.

Everyone has that pile of stuff inside that we need to let go.

I know I have my fair share.

I would like to think that I have learned to let it go, but I know that isn’t true. I hide it deep inside and every once in awhile it boils up, and then it settles down, but I never really let it go.

I never let it really leave me and make room for better things.

Partly because I don’t know how. I don’t know how to just let it go. I can forgive. I can forget. I can move on, but I can’t really let go.

In the past year I have learned how to sit or lie on my yoga mat for 10min and let go of everything. It takes works. My mind keeps going back to my list of things to do. My frustrations. And I keep having to go back to focusing on counting…clearing the mind. It works. It feels good for those 10min.

Now I have to figure out how to do that off the yoga mat. How to really let it go and keep it gone.

I am not really sure where to begin. But I am going to try.

Vote everyday!

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Back to the grind and Routine

Well I never got around to posting yesterday…I have it all laid out in my head but I ended up sending an email to my ex about vacation plans, and that ended up taking over most of my evening. Never easy. I just hope after we get through a year on this new agreement and it all becomes more clear that next year will be easier…but I wouldn’t bet a dime on it.

And now it is back to work….it was nice to have the extra day off yesterday and I had a pretty hefty goal of accomplishing my 20+ item task list.

I managed to get about half of it done, which isn’t bad…but man it would of felt good to start ahead of the game the first day back in 2011…no such luck.

MB on the other hand came home from school all happy and excited..enjoying being back with her teacher and friends and back into routine.

Routine.

I love routine. Break is nice but schedule is wonderful. Everyone back on schedule is peaceful. Bus stop. Friends over. Playtime. Dinner time. Get ready for bed. Story. Sleep. Mommy works. Bedtime for all. And round and round we go.

Activities on set days. Knowing the windows of time when I can get my run and errands in.

Ahh. Break was nice but I am happy for the normalcy of routine.

2010 Reflections…My turn

First off I tried the 10 miles on the treadmill yesterday. It was tough. The definition of boredom. I made it to about 6 miles before I really really was going nuts. TB only did about 5 and then went to the steam room…I decided I would just keep plugging away till he got back. Well he ended up passing on the steam room so came back while I was at mile 7. So while my body could of kept on my brain was fried and since he was ready to go I opted to jump off the treadmill. Hopefully the 12 miles next week won’t feel to bad…I will be back outside and I feel good about it, so here is to positive thinking.

Now off to my 2010 reflections…and a speed run on Friday

My 2010 Reflections

1. What was the single best thing that happened this past year? Moving to Arizona, and finding the perfect house &  neighborhood!

2. What was the single most challenging thing that happened? Finding balance in dealing with a pain in the *@# ex. I refer to it as my black cloud. It has been ever present for the past 3 years. Finally in July it was removed from the every day life, but it pops up way to often. Figuring out how to not let it rule our life has been a work in process…I finally have find a few tricks that are allowing us to decide when we want to deal with it, but it is far from out of our life. I just hope in 2011 it won’t still be the most challenging thing…but I am not that hopeful.

3. What was an unexpected joy this past year? Getting to be so involved with MB’s school. I never imagined I would be participating in all the class activities, volunteering for centers, leading the daisy troop…I have been able to be there so much more than I had anticipated and we are all loving it.

4. What was an unexpected obstacle? Job searching…first time I have ever really had to go out looking for a job since I left college, trying to figure out what I really want to do was a lot harder than I realized.

5. Pick three words to describe 2010. Family. Running. Smiles.

6. With whom were your most valuable relationships? My family first, of course. I also have built friendships with my neighbors that are becoming such a big part of my life. Having girlfriends to go walking and running with, impromptu dinners/drinks, having a list of people to call to help fish sit!
7. What was your biggest personal change from January to December of this past year? Running. Last year I started running, never before had I had any desire to run. I started with the couch to 5K program and in Jan of 2010 did my first 5k. Now running is my way of life…I get it in at least 3 times a week. I decided to go for a half marathon and have been training for it the past few months. It has been such an experience to push myself each week and find myself running further than I have ever run before. I love it, love being outside, love pushing myself, love running together with TB. Can’t wait to accomplish the half.
8. What was biggest thing you learned this past year? That I can run…I can be that person! And that you can have it all, you don’t have to settle.

9. What was your single biggest time waster in your life this past year? I have to agree with TB here…spending time talking about or dealing with my ex has been the biggest waste of time. Nothing ever changes, nothing ever comes of anything. It just causes stress and negativity that has no place in my home.

10. Create a phrase or statement that describes 2010 for you. Live, love, laugh, and run

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Will I ever learn

Will I ever learn that he will not change.

Will I ever learn that all the things I do are unappreciated, he only cares about control.

Will I ever learn that he can’t self reflect.

Will I ever learn that he is who he is and I should just be thankful that his influence on my life is not what it used to be.

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

The serenity prayer is a complete reflection of what I must remember when dealing with him.

I have the courage, that has been proven.

I have gained the wisdom- more than I wish.

Serenity and strength will beat out stupidity every time.

No more long emails

Ok I am going to have a rare venting session.

I don’t like to do this too often as I want to close this door on my life and there are so many happier things to focus on, but tonight it a night to vent.

To protect the idiots I will not be as direct as I should…if they were ever to read this they will know who they are.

So here is my rant:

1. I do not need long emails. When I open up my email and see an email that requires me to scroll and scroll and scroll I do not smile. If these emails were productive or on “important” topics they might be ok, but they aren’t. So please this is not a novel-writing contest and we especially don’t need more than one a day.

2. I know you. I know you do not write these emails. Remember you only know how to TYPE IN ALL CAPS. I have seen emails from you, these are not from you. So again they are long and they are not you, so please. I can’t believe I am saying this but I would enjoy seeing an email in ALL CAPS. Cause it would be short as you hunt and peck you way to the words.

3. You need to look in the mirror. You have no self-reflection. None. None. None. You demand, yes demand things of me that you have never done yourself. That might have worked at one point but it doesn’t anymore. So write in ALL CAPS and look in the MIRROR. If you did so then the emails would never exist in the first place.

4. I will not let you control me, my moods, my life, or my happiness. I have let your black cloud control my life for too long. It doesn’t have that power anymore. Sometimes it might make a moment gray but only for a fleeting moment. The energy set forth in your emails do not have the same effect. My life and my happiness is my own.

5. I feel sorry for you. Yes as much as I wish I didn’t, I do. You are sad, your life is sad. However, you make your life what it is. I don’t see that every changing which is too bad.

Who needs Glue?

Well we are getting closer.

Today I got to go find out MB’s kindergarten teacher. I knew the answer before I got there. There are 4 teachers. 3 women and 1 man. MB has this thing, she always wants girl teachers. Now she is always happy after she gets settled in…we have had 2 male swim coaches. But she just wanted a girl teacher so bad…so I knew even before I read the list it was going to be a male.

Bingo.

Mr. Kindergarten it is.

My neighbors have had him and rave about how great he is. I think considering the lack of real “father” presence she has had till best buddy it is going to be great for her to have a dependable male at home and school.  Looking forward to the year ahead.

While meeting the teacher it was also time to pick up the supplies. Now I had heard warnings from friends in other states that when your pre-ordered the quality wasn’t good…but no fear I saw all the good brands! I just can’t imagine what they are going to do with 3 containers of glue..not to mention the six-pack of glue sticks. Good thing we have baby wipes with all the sticky fingers in their future.

Prelude to our weekend in Indy

Our last vacation of the summer. We headed to Indy to see family and friends….it was a much-needed break after spending some time in the Franklin Courthouse.

Before we could begin our family fun my ex was determined to have MB dance in what he called a “recital”. Now MB has missed 3 recitals over the past couple years due to my ex. Recitals with costumes, dance classes that she has attended for years….this was a 4 day camp with a 15min show at the end. Of course he worked up MB to be so excited about it that we couldn’t disappoint. TB and I spent the afternoon in Cbus playing games, getting a special hair-do, and having dinner before the big show. With nothing else to do TB and I attended the whole class. The whole 2 hours of babysitting. There was a little leaping, a little dancing, snack time, arts and crafts, and the best was coloring!

Even better none of the girls were dressed in leotards except MB. Did I mention there were 3 girls? The glass started with 2 and then a friend of the teacher came in…so we had 3. In their everyday clothes and flip-flop. Even the teacher laughed when we asked when the recital was.

So after 2 hours my ex showed up with his entourage…he brought 6 other family members including himself. The other 2 girls just had a parent for pick up and I think a sibling was in tow. Yes we looked like a nutty family. They did their dance steps following the teacher who held her notebook the whole time so she could remember the steps. All this so we couldn’t leave till 9pm for a 3 hour drive home. Another poor move by my ex.

Fortunately at the end the teacher just put on the disco ball and let the kids dance. Well MB is a dancing queen…she loves our dance parties and she pulled out all her moves. Even grabbing TB for a flip mid-dance. She was in her groove. Not surprising the ex and his family were in shock, they had never seen her dance– this was all new to them???? I don’t even know how that is possible- dance parties happen weekly in our house and I have caught MB many a night turning up the radio and just busting a move. That was enough to make me smile…MB and her moves and confirming how clueless my ex is about MB.

To celebrate MB’s dance off we found a DQ and enjoyed small blizzards. Once again I had mine to myself while TB and MB swapped out their’s each trying to find the biggest piece of cookie.

With full bellies and full hearts we started out 3 hour drive and landed in Indy safe and sound at 1am.

Proof is in the pictures 🙂

Cloudy with a Chance of Crazy

Well I am falling down on the blog this week as I continue trying to come to an “revised” agreement with my ex. I will leave it at that, unfortunately while I find other blogs a great place where people are able to journal their lives and find support this is one topic I don’t feel “safe” talking about.

So while I won’t talk details…I will say that no matter what this is one of the most stressful things in life a parent can endure. Fortunately I am no longer in this alone and TB is nothing less than wonderful. My mom is right there every step of the way as well. All stressed but all dealing with it differently. Everyone knows “emotionally eating”. We could be a commercial for it this week.  Day 1: TB barely eats, I bounce between no eating and comfort food, Mom craves sweets. Day 2: Today we spent with MB so balancing out the stress and its a normal food day. Day 3: TB barely eats till the day is done (and crazy came to town), I am able to eat slightly during the day but not at the end of the day as the decision factor is just too much. So what will tomorrow bring….I guess the one thing I know for sure we will be picking up food of some sort as soon as we get MB tomorrow.  Not a diet plan I would recommend to anyone…but I know the scale will make me proud on Monday.

I also continue to realize that true friendship and family know no distance. A support network doesn’t need to be “there” to be present. I have amazing friends/family that are there. They might be in Texas, Kentucky, Florida, the Caribbean, and a number of other states but their hearts, minds, and thoughts are here with me. The strength one can pull from that ever-present support is wonderful. I am so lucky.

Looking forward to happier posts this weekend….we are heading to see family and I can think of nothing I would rather do now then have fun and play with 4 kids under 6. Their innocence and look on life is what I need right now.

Enough is enough

Today is not my best day. I am heading off once again to deal with my ex. My support network is flying in to be there with me, but these visits are never fun. Instead of getting to enjoy them it is stress filled- debating, trying to figure out what is going on, trying to reason things out,determining the right next steps. Add to that the stress I am feeling plus constant worry and concern – I am on edge and snappy, making me a joy. Doesn’t that just sound like a fun family visit. I think you can sum it up with TB’s comment– I took you to Kauai on vacation, you bring me here”…followed by a smile. Gotta love my man!

Hopefully the resolution will be good and Tuesday is our break day so I am just looking forward to enjoying the day with my mom and my girl. That is enough to get me through the next 24 hours…that and a little ice cream.

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